I admit I have enjoyed all that is the “good to be me” part of my life. Since the beginning of the year a desire to be an active participant in my life has been the goal. I had been passive for so long assuming incorrectly that somehow life would be great. I did not have to lift a finger. Survey says? Not a chance in hell. I still hold Disney and their movies somewhat responsible. I was fed misinformation from a young age. Relax, I do know that staring back at me in the mirror is the person ultimately held accountable. That is another topic. It does get to me sometimes, this attitude of “nothing is my fault and always someone else to blame.”
The issue at hand was the fact that I was working on changing my life, rebuilding, pretty much a spring cleaning of my head, heart and home. Please note it is a work in progress. I find that at times I get caught up in where I feel I should be in my life. I know I have people watching me to see what will come next. What I find ironic is throughout this the biggest support and critics have been my children. Today however it is not about where I am or where I think I should be. I find myself facing grief, some expected, some so unforeseen it knocked my breath away.
I’ve known for a while that longtime family friends had a father in poor health. When he passed it was painful, but we knew that he was no longer suffering and how could you not want the person you love to be in a better place. What I was not expecting was the news I received the day after his memorial. Memories are funny how they stick in your mind, how you remember where you were when something life altering occurs. For me it was sitting in Chili’s eating dinner.
I get an email from a girlfriend asking if I remembered a mutual friend. Of course I did. She is the godmother of my daughter. How could I not remember her? When Ann Marie is involved her luck sometimes runs amok so my assumption was she had some minor mishap and I would laugh and say, “Yep that sounds like Ann Marie”. I was not prepared for the response. Somewhere our lives had fallen out of touch. How far hit me like a ton of bricks. “She’s passed away” was the information shared with me. I am in immediate denial. How can my friend be dead? Lung cancer was diagnosed in January. She passed in February. In the blink of an eye this beautiful soul was gone.
It is true that the ones left behind are in the worst shape. When I saw her younger three children, the realization they would never have their Mother again was heartbreaking. I am sad that we drifted apart. You take for granted that a time will come when you can “catch up” with everything in your life. I admit certain aspects of my life include procrastination more than others. The life lesson that is being repeated to me by several people is balance followed closely by forgiveness. The second one often is drilled home by the lovely words “you need to get over it.” Translation for me: I am obsessing about something. My friends and family know me well. They also have no problem telling me what is up. I both love and cringe at this situation.
Losing the people in my life this past week does help give me a check point to stop and appreciate what I do have. I will miss Papa Curtis & Ann Marie so very much. My life was better for having known them both. I hope I honor them both as I continue to live my life learning and growing. I do not care how old you are, when you stop learning you are giving up. Granted that is my opinion. You do not have to like it. If I take anything from this week, I hope it’s to remember forgiveness is about forgiving yourself as well. I have the hardest time with that one. Tell the people in your life who mean something to you how you feel. And forgive someone, especially yourself. Spread the love.
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