Don’t Trident Me … by the Nan(ny) Goat

You Do the Crime – You Do the Time

Some folks spend their retirement years in Arizona playing golf. Some prefer lolling on thebeach in sunny California. Not sister Anne Montgomery, 83. She is serving 2 months in federalprison and 4 months in electronic home confinement. Father Bill Bichsel, 81 a Jesuitpriest, has joined her for 3 months plus 5 months in electronic home confinement. Susan Crane 67, of Baltimore’s Jonah House is in jail for 15 months. The youngsters, both 60,Nurse Lynn Greenwald, is serving 6 months and Jesuit priest Father Steve Kelly are behindbars for 15 months. They had to come up with $5,300 each.

These “Feisty five” are membersof Ground Zero Center for Nonviolent Action, a group that has been resisting Trident nuclear weapons since 1977.It was All Souls night, November 2, 2009. It was dark when they cut through a hefty chain link fence and stealthed their way into the Navy Base outside of Tacoma, WA. They knew hundreds of nuclear warheads were there, waiting to arm eight Trident submarines. They walked almost four miles before they came to the missile storage bunkers.

These elderly activists later explained their opposition to these sleeping nuclear missiles: it seems a fully loaded Trident submarine carries 192 warheads, and each warhead is 30 times more destructive than the weapon dropped on Hiroshima.

Back to the bunkers. They were surrounded by another formidable fence. There was a sign with a skull and crossbones, very appropriate for this particular night. Once again, the wire cutters did their job. When gathered inside the second fence, the senior citizens unveiledtheir sign “DISARM NOW PLOWSHARES” and waited quietly, prayerfully, for their arrest come daylight.

At the trial, the defendants were not allowed to present the deathly consequences of nuclearweapons, other information relating to their actions, nor the fact that in other international cases nonviolent protesters were acquitted. Anyhow, it’s water under the bridge over troubled waters. Or, maybe it’s Maxine turned pacifist; or, simply following in the path of Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr.

Information on the above story gathered from the Salem-News. For more on this story and

information about the defendants, go to disarmnowplowshares.wordpress.com.

Submitted by Nancy Leys, Albright Peace Advocate


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Economy is SO Bad … How Bad Is IT?

The Economy Is So Bad …

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

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Fifty Great States Make a Great USA

A Fun Fact for Each State

Nanny Goat gets credit for writing (rather probably “borrowing”) this piece. I think it is both entertaining and informative.

I thought recent events would give the local economy a piercing shot to the arm, but not so at the goat center. We had to furlough two gophers

so no one was available to “vet” each “fun fact” as we normally would do. So, be alert, you may be reading a “fact” that is not quite one.

Also as to the introductory World Map image. It perhaps paints with too broad a brush. But, remember that the map was done by a doctoral student at the Geography department of the University of Georgia.

Enjoy

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ALABAMA ……………. Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA ………………..One out of every 64 people has a pilot’s license.

ARIZONA ……………. Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn’t follow Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS ………….. Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.

CALIFORNIA ……….. Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO …………. In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT … The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.

DELAWARE ………….. Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA ……………. At 874.3 square miles, Jacksonville is the U.S.’s largest city.

GEORGIA ………………. It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII ………………… Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state.

IDAHO ………………….. TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS……………….Has a Governor in jail, one pending jail & is the most corrupt state in the union!

INDIANA ………Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million letters to Santa every year.

IOWA………….Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County.  Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS ………………… Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.

KENTUCKY ………….. Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA ………….. Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.

MAINE …………………. It’s so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.

MARYLAND ………….. The Ouija board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS …..The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.

MICHIGAN …………… Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA …………Bloomington’s Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you’d be there nearly four days.

MISSISSIPPI ………… President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here; that’s how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI …………… Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.

MONTANA ………….. A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA ………….. More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEW HAMPSHIRE ……. Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY ………..Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.

NEW MEXICO ………….. Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK ……………. Is home to the nation’s oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA ……. Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA …… Rigby, North Dakota , is the exact geographic center of North America.

OHIO ……………………. The hot dog was invented here in 1900.

OKLAHOMA ………….. The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.

OREGON ……………… Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA …….The smiley, : ) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND …….. The nation’s oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673. And it’s still in operation!

SOUTH CAROLINA ……. Sumter County is home to the world’s largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA ………Is the only state that’s never had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE …………… Nashville ‘s Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.

TEXAS …………………… Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.  The Hamburger was invented in Arlington, Texas in 1906.

UTAH ………………….. The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.

VERMONT ……………… Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald’s.

VIRGINIA …………….. Home of the world’s largest office building… The Pentagon.

WASHINGTON ……… Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state. (not sure what this means Aunt Nan)

WASHINGTON D.C. … Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA ……Had the world’s first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN ………..The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING …………Was the first state to allow women to vote.


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You WILL Get Your Quilt

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


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Old Time Religion

Old Goats sometimes tend to remember things from the past better than they were. Homemade Ice Cream was mighty good, but polio was very bad. Hot Rods were exciting and their exhausts roared and rumbled in a way that even the most tricked out Honda Civic is not going to be able to channel. Again, BUT, making us wear seat belts in our vanilla looking Camry has saved many, many lives.

Also in the metaphysical world, even our most compelling TV pastor of today is not likely to inspire like the giants of the past. But one thing does not change too much even as the next version of the iPhone appears on the horizon. Political hacks of all description and national origin always want to take words of faith and twist them to support a narrow and often hateful agenda. It might be to kill some people … individuals through the death penalty or large groups (and innocents who happen to be about) with a holy war. In the U. S. we don’t call it a holy war, we call it looking after our strategic interests.

And is not always about killing people. It might just be using holy verses to explain how gays or people of a certain color or just some “non us” group are not really God’s favorites. I am not going to write too much about this as I doubt it is really “news” to most of you.

However I am going to publish a bit of OLD TIME RELIGION text that I think it would be a good idea for some of our more hate filled brothers and sisters to read:

1908 Methodist Social Creed

The Methodist Episcopal Church stands:

For equal rights and complete justice for all men in all stations of life.

For the principles of conciliation and arbitration in industrial dissensions.

For the protection of the worker from dangerous machinery, occupational diseases, injuries and mortality.

For the abolition of child labor.

For the regulation of the conditions of labor for women as shall safeguard the physical and moral health of the community.

For the suppression of the “sweating system.”

For the gradual and reasonable reduction of the hours of labor to the lowest practical point, with work for all; and the degree of leisure for all which is the condition of the highest human life.

For a release from employment one day in seven.

For a living wage in every industry.

For the highest wage that each industry can afford, and for the most equitable division of the products of industry that can ultimately be devised.

For the recognition of the Golden Rule and the mind of Christ as the supreme law of society and the sure remedy for all social ills.

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Where Are The Proofreaders?

I have done a fair amount of proof reading. I like doing it in small doses, but when people are in a hurry and deadlines

are approaching, mistakes are made. I had no part in the poor proofing or lack thereof exhibited below:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Indeed!

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Expert is a guy from out of town in a suit.


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 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
       

Goat thinks this is excessive.
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 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
       

film at 11  
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 

Labor Unions have way too much power.
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 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

See “Jaywalker thread.”
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War Dims Hope for Peace 
 

Have seen it happen so many times.

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 If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  

It fer sure could.
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 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
    

Yes, I can see how that could be.
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 Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  

Savy British Bobbies are not easily fooled.
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 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
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 Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   

He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 

I suggest looking at Walmart.
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 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 

No comment.
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
       

From the Borneo Sunday Supplement
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Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half 

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  

They have rights too.
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Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
    

Well …
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More Exciting Newness at Goat Center

Our last post introduced the “Goat Advice Column.” This feature was met with a roar of apathy.

Undaunted, we continue.

So, WHAT is New for today?

Lots!

1. As header illustration shows, first new item is some Goat “Flesh” – sort of – kinda G rated, but we’re old school.

2. Goat Trivia – Google has sort of taken the starch out of trivia. April, 2011 someone can be in Africa on the greasy Limpoopoo River and use their smart phone to find out your shoe size and what John Travolta had for lunch. But, old school, I still like trivia. A few months back I used to post pictures on Facebook and see who could identify them. Sometimes folks provided correct answers so fast it made my goat beard flow behind me in the breeze.

Will that be the way it works today? I don’t know. We’ll see. Question is straight forward. Who is the gal pictured above? First and last name must be spelled correct.

3. More “New:” real prize to the winner of the Trivia Contest. First correct answer entered as a comment on the blog wins. Answers on FACEBOOK will not be considered. Winner may receive an authentic Goat Center Coffee Mug if they live within a reasonable radius of the Goat Compound (or Sylvia’s House) as many of you do. Distance readers will receive 5 dollars American, denaro, somolians, etc.

More rules – Goddess Sylvia and Nan(ny) Goat are not eligible and it is a good thing for you as they are “purty gould at figgerin stuff out.” If winner gets the 5 dollars; it will be sent via Paypal. It is the 21st century so we assume you have a Paypal Account. As you can imagine, goat handwriting leaves a lot to be desire so we will constructing no checks nor licking any overpriced stamps.

Again ANSWERS ON FACEBOOK WILL NOT COUNT!

Deadline for entry is 11:59 Sunday April 10, 2011. But I expect a correct answer well before then.

If you are stuck, our most recent previous post contains a clue.

A final word to wise, those learned folks who are subscribers to the blog will be made aware of this contest about 1 second after I hit “publish.” They will have the first and best shot at the lavish prizes. We will very likely be doing this again so become a subscriber. We want you as part of the Ole Goat Center For World Harmony Community.

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A NEW Ground Breaking Feature at Goat Center For World Harmony

Goddess Sylvia, Nan(ny) Goat, and the Old Goat are so pleased at the way you have welcomed us into your busy lives. To thank you for your attention we are bringing online a new goatcenter feature that we are sure will enrich your GC experience.

The feature is the Goatcenter Advice Line. This is our maiden cruise with Advice Line, but it will be ongoing. The way of blogs is that the newest post pushes the last one down the page. But in weeks to come, you can still find this post and ask for advice via a comment. One caution. Questions and answers will be visible to all so if seeking advice about something “freaky” this might not be the venue.

You may or may not have noticed that Goatcenter is short for OGCFWH, Old Goat Center For World Harmony. That is what we stand for. We make no apologies.

In addition to the three crack journalist afore mentioned, we are backed up by an army of researchers and five sniveling gophers who bring us coffee and drugs … BUT NO ALCOHOL … No alcohol during business hours at goatcenter … strict rule … no exceptions.

As stated, this is the virgin cruise for this feature so I’ll show you how it might function. You will be able through the “comment” feature to address your advice request to any one of the three principals: Goddess, Nan(ny) or OLD (aka OLE) Goat.

If you want a punchy, terse, hip, no BS or nonsense answer, you might want to seek advice from the popular and gorgeous “Goddess Sylvia.” Here is how that might transpire:

LARRY – Goddess Sylvia, you are so punchy, terse, hip and swell looking… I was kinda wondering … how much do you weigh and do think this amount is proportional to your height?

GODDESS SYLVIA – Hey Larry, KISS MY ASS you slimy little Jurassic piece of pond scum … WTF … You should not be up this late … and your mom told me you molest collies … furthermore …

Moving right along. If your seek a milder, I might say, more empathetic response, your might want to ask advice from the wise and compassionate Nan(ny) Goat. Lets take a peek at how that might go down:

Buffy – Aunt Nanny, hope I can call you that as I so totally feel we are connected in a cosmic fashion – How can “I” alone do anything to contribute to world harmony by myself. I mean me, myself, and I without benefit of “sister wives” or other good things I see on cable news. I am just like totally bummed by this. Can you help moi?

NAN(NY) GOAT – There, there sister Buffy. I am sure that almost all of us have been where you are at … done what you’re doing … seen who you are seeing  … felt … can I say, “ill at ease.” But sister, don’t forget that just by confronting your thoughts; you are so ahead of the vast herd who live unexamined lives. And if I may, let me point you to a little snippet of mine that was just published in LIBYA TODAY:

“I do in fact so hope that I don’t sound too idealistic, but peace has always been so important to me. The Goats (kids) of today are our world leaders of tomorrow. Helping them achieve cultural awareness and tolerance is THE stepping stone toward world harmony.”

And one last thing you could do … if you could do it RIGHT NOW … that would be great. Get a 25 dollar money order and send to N. Goat – General Delivery – Madison, Wisconsin – 14232

And there is yet another choice. The Old Goat is the titular head of the OGCFWH. It is the culmination of a dream he had back in 1955 when he was the Captain of the Safety Patrol at S. B. Ladd Elementary in Kansas City, Mo. He was good in the position, yet that was his last flirtation with management … until now.

Yes, now, even as CEO of OGCFWH, you can contact him personally for advice. You will not be filtered by some receptionist or call screener. Your questions will go right straight through to the Old Goat hissef (not a typo – the way some of the gophers at the center write and talk).

Only one caution – the Goddess and Nanny tend to be awake a little more during the day than the Old Goat. That is not to say he sleeps a great deal. I am confident he sleeps much less than your cat or dog. BUT, an URGENT question might better be addressed to one of the learned ladies.

Well, dear friends, I hope you can all see that this was just a bit of fun. Goddess Sylvia is in NO WAY that harsh and unkind. Nan(ny) goat is a woman of fine character and NOT  a silly new age con woman. And the Old Goat is likely wide awake Many more hours than your pets.

ALSO, you CAN feel free to use the “comment” function to seek advice, but no results can be promised. You might receive from 0 to 3 answers. Zero replies would indicate it might be a serious question and we would all feel unqualified to answer. One to three answers might be based on who is manning the office at the goat center.

But question or comment, be sure that we all value hearing from you.

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Theater, Musicals, & Drag Shows..oh my…. by Sylvia

So when last we spoke I had lost two dear friends of mine.  Sometimes “busy” helps deal with “sad.”  So I have continued expanding my culture horizons by attending local performances in the Central Florida area. I wish I had more time and money. Happy to report that we still have incredible talent here in Orlando. I feel that is such good news to those of us for whom  a trip to  Broadway is not in the cards.  The local talent we have is remarkable.

I enjoyed a stellar performance of “The Diary of Ann Frank” at Breakthrough Theatre. The black box theater lends itself to the intimacy you feel as though you are in the attic with them. The street noises and the train passing by all add to the ambiance and made for a moving piece.  My other theatrical experience for the week was “Equus.” The show was phenomenal.  This performance is not for the weak at heart.  The topic is heavy and it is an adult themed show. No one under 18 is admitted.  Do not let this deter from seeing the show, however don’t go in expecting to see “Arsenic & Old Lace” because that is not happening.  What I experienced is a show that leaves you different for having seen it (In a good way). Next weekend is the icing on my cake.  I’m going to see “Wicked” I have been waiting to see this show for ages. By the time this posts I am sure I will be still reeling in the afterglow of the performance.

Lest you feel I am getting too highbrow, I am happy to say I am hitting the roller derby for some good old fashioned smack down fun.  I also attended other forms of entertainment recently. My multi-talented performer friend Joshua Eads Brown held a fundraiser at the Funky Monkey Wine Company at Pointe Orlando.  What a crazy, fun, night.

It does not cross my mind how odd the world of artistic people can be until I took my plus one to Johsua’s fundraiser.  To me, a man in a dress lip synching to “Dream Girls” is just a day in the life. To the average person, it’s a bit out of their element.  I give kudos to my plus one. He seems to handle what my life throws at him. I would not be surprised if at times he wonders to himself what in the world he has gotten himself into. I do give him credit for having exceptional manners not to express his concerns.
This month is also spring break for most colleges and since I went forth and multiplied, I just so happen to have college students. I had a house full of college students from all over the country.  My sons were in from OK with friends in tow and my daughter was down from Flagler and her friends have NJ being represented. Such a dichotomy of children from all walks of life, it makes life a bit rambunctious.  They are young energetic and bring an enthusiasm for life. I was busy with rehearsals but we did manage to spend some time together.

Oh yes rehearsals, I am saving the coolest news for last.  While attending “The Diary of Ann Frank” I received a text from Tara Corless the director of “Daddy’s Dyin Who’s Got the Will?” a cast member had health issues and could I step into a role.  I was sorry to hear about the woman’s health but the actor in me did the snoopy dance.  Me? On stage? Yay! Really, who wouldn’t want to be asked?  Well, let me rephrase that, what actor wouldn’t want to be asked? I understand not everyone in the world is a glutton for punishment. We opened March 24 and run for two weekends. I went from a leisurely spring pace to hit the ground running. The cast and crew are delightful and I am so glad to have a chance to work with them.

So I am curious if anyone else feels like this year is flying by? I can’t believe we are almost in April.  Did I blink? Didn’t we just ring in 2011? My birthday is just around the corner so here I sit about to be another year older and hopefully the tiniest bit wiser. It’s hard to believe how much my life has changed in the past few months.  I am eagerly looking forward to what the rest of the year has in store. April alone is going to be a wild month, Fringe, my birthday and I think I am going to be doing tech for my friend Jamaal.  I do like being active. It keeps my mind and my soul young.

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“GOAT CENTER ADVISES WOMEN” REBUTTAL by Nan(ny) Goat

NOTE _ HOPE THIS IS NOT TOO CONFUSING. This (3-18-11) post is a rebuttal to an earlier post written by the Old Goat. He is being rebutted by his sister, The Nan(ny) Goat. Even in the finest families, siblings do not always agree. The post being rebutted is listed here first. If you have already read it then go right to the Nan(ny) goat response below.

A 2011 woman may claim to want only a nice guy with a sense of humor, but Goat Center research reveals that male-female attraction is based not in the rational world but in the world of chemistry, metallurgy, and mineralogy. This visceral attraction lives in a molecular – dare we say it – atomic world.

Back to our woman; probably a young woman (But remember in today’s green world where 70 is the new 50 and 30 is the new puberty, “young” has ever so much room to wiggle.); what does she indeed want in a man if not that comic nice fellow.

Starting at the top, she wants thick hair. PLATINUM is good as is SILVER like that found on a playful fox. EBONY offers many shades and colors so is a fine choice for a seeker of variety. Moving on, eyes of AMBER, COBALT, or LIMESTONE are but a few of those that could please. A strong jaw of GRANITE completes a very strong face.

Now to the torso, many compounds come upon the scene. ALABASTER, that finest of GYPSUM works well for the miss who favors the light. And of course there is COPPER, BRONZE, and the EBONY mentioned earlier to provide so many comely hues. As we consider the arms and chest, could our lady put MARBLE out of her mind if she tried?

Further south, we encounter the ubiquitous abs and buns of STEEL. A good quality of STEEL is preferred. Perhaps from England. Certainly no iron as we want to avoid rust, and also because it seems that the word “iron” stirs up negative thoughts in many woman.

Our hypothetical young woman has created for the mind’s eye a rather pleasant imaginary partner. We must, however, remember that such a man is but a physical platform. Compounds, elements, and aggregates are merely matter. They are neither ethical nor spiritual in nature so lack the ability to in fact be the man our lady wants.

Goat Center researchers also state that all chemistry is not created equal. This short essay will not attempt to be comprehensive in this area, but will offer one example. The valuable element Pb or LEAD is key to the production of beautiful glass and also the utility of the pencil. Too much lead though can be problematic. Concentrated too much  in the lower back regions of the male body, it can make escape from the sofa difficult, and cause an alarming reduction in personal industry.

Several female Goat Center personnel also mentioned the efficacy of TUNGSTEN, and likewise said that they had no objection to the Dome of CHROME. Other playful writers said they had a fondness for Buns of Cinnamon.

All, male and female, agreed that the most important element has yet to mentioned. They caution our fictional female to make sure that the man of her dreams has at least a modicum of GOLD in his pocket or his bank. But as important if not more, strive to connect with a man with an authentic heart of GOLD.

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Hey, Old Goat. Who do you think you are?  You advising women about what they want in a man? Alabaster, copper, bronze, tungsten? Well, maybe some young, naïve and stupid young girls want some of that material man.  But a chrome dome with a gray fringe?  I think not.  You mentioned Gold.  Gold is good, but not a modicum in pocket or bank! You think that sweet young thing would be marrying the Hefner for his modicum?

Now, I’m talking now about older women and what they need and want. Women much older than the cougar  types. I’m talking about women of a certain age…old women, old and alone women.  I qualify because I’ve passed the junior senior mark. I am a true senior senior. And I’ll tell you what I want in a man…besides the gold.  Age doesn’t matter. He can be twenty or ninety. The first quality I want is handy…a handyman. If I can’t reach something in a high cupboard, I don’t want to use a grabber or the hook in my cane. I want a long strong arm with a hand.  I want a fellow with limited arthritis to climb a ladder and wash the windows.  I want an early riser who will start the coffeemaker.  My last husband used to do that. Nothing like waking up to the aroma of a freshly brewed French Roast. I need somebody to change the bulbs in the ceiling light fixtures, re-battery the smoke alarm, snake out a stopped-up drain, carry out those heavy recyclables and bags of trash.  Also, I need a fast-paced snow remover and muscled lawn mower.

My all-around handyman must have his own apartment or home. Can’t have a man to trip over when I don’t need his handiness. A decent looking mode of transportation, preferably a non-dented and shiny automobile to pick me up and be my escort for dinner, squire me to church or bingo, and take me to my multiple doctors’ appointments. These are just a few of my handyman requirements. If any of you girls out there have additional qualifications for the handyman of my dreams, please feel free to add them as comments below.

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