Category Archives: funny

Old Goat Golden Nuggets of Consumer Advice

Goat Consumer Advice

Pre Christmas, in an effort to amass some coinage for gifts, I searched the homestead a little and rounded up a bit of scrap gold to see about selling it. I was pretty pleased with the results in this area I know nothing about. I found a little ring that had been worn on stage (thought was costume, not real) and a “tiny” necklace chain from Aunt Whosey or ??? – thought it was fake too. But NO – instant 90 bucks – presents for 2 or 3 on the short list.

So – MORE treasure hunting. Look in a shoe box. Look in a jewelry box. Look in AC vents (found a diamond ring in one once). Be creative. Look at K-Mart Jewelry counter – OOPS – anything that suggests possible Jail Time is TOO creative. Did an EX leave anything behind? I had one ex that left pets and a child behind as she raced for the Bronco – but NO jewelry.

If you are a KID (not a Goat) then you may have less “stuff” to search through. If so, consider a joint venture with Mom or Grand Mom. Tell them you will look through their crap (treasures) research and sell. Then you all can split the bounty. This is kind of fun work – well ahead of shoveling snow or mowing grass.

A last example that is instructive. In a shoe box I found an object d’art. Looked Goldish. So off to a dealer. Young woman I have sold to before eyeballs it, then calls in another helper who gives it the cockatiel eye. Now they begin to compute and bring our stones and fluids – What Fun! Kind of like Merlin meets The Science Guy.

After a bit they arrive at a number (actually 3 numbers). I use self control to prevent squealing with glee. Remember this was two hours ago “junk” in a shoebox in my closet that formerly belonged to (I have no idea).

But, in a fine show of customer service I thought, the 2 ladies tell me that their number is just for the gold, and that the piece may have art or antique value that they know little about. They suggest “checking it out.” I think this is good advice.

To follow this advice, over the next few weeks I go to six different business to see about selling my prize from closet lottery. None of these businesses are run by a guy named Larry who practices his trade hanging out under a big oak tree near a bus stop in Apopka while wearing a black trench coat.

No these were all businesses I had bought or sold from in the past. All been in the area for years. So what were the results? What were these offers? Short story is that the offers ranged from Zero dollars to 450 dollars. What you say?

Were these capitalists lying in the weeds waiting to cheat the Old Goat. I don’t think so. Likewise the moral of this tale is not “Watch out for people who want to cheat you.” though that is always a good idea as is staying away from Larry under the big tree.

Rather I believe that the lesson is to understand that different people and different businesses use different business models. They have their “ways” that have evolved over time. A person who offered me nothing for my little treasure was not telling me it was worthless, he was merely saying it was not something he wanted to buy on that particular day.

Therefore, if you want to sell, it is almost always good advice to take your time. If you “have” to sell something it will likely not work in your favor. Take time to consider whose business model will work best in harmony with your desires. There are many options.

And money is not the only income available. There is psychic income too. Maybe you would feel better “giving” an item to a friend you know admires it. Or maybe selling it at a reduced price to a friend who might have a hard time paying the full worth. Trading is another option. A craftsman might build something you need in barter for your item. So take your time. Everyone is not out to eat your lunch, but neither do all business people know what would be best for you.


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A NEW Ground Breaking Feature at Goat Center For World Harmony

Goddess Sylvia, Nan(ny) Goat, and the Old Goat are so pleased at the way you have welcomed us into your busy lives. To thank you for your attention we are bringing online a new goatcenter feature that we are sure will enrich your GC experience.

The feature is the Goatcenter Advice Line. This is our maiden cruise with Advice Line, but it will be ongoing. The way of blogs is that the newest post pushes the last one down the page. But in weeks to come, you can still find this post and ask for advice via a comment. One caution. Questions and answers will be visible to all so if seeking advice about something “freaky” this might not be the venue.

You may or may not have noticed that Goatcenter is short for OGCFWH, Old Goat Center For World Harmony. That is what we stand for. We make no apologies.

In addition to the three crack journalist afore mentioned, we are backed up by an army of researchers and five sniveling gophers who bring us coffee and drugs … BUT NO ALCOHOL … No alcohol during business hours at goatcenter … strict rule … no exceptions.

As stated, this is the virgin cruise for this feature so I’ll show you how it might function. You will be able through the “comment” feature to address your advice request to any one of the three principals: Goddess, Nan(ny) or OLD (aka OLE) Goat.

If you want a punchy, terse, hip, no BS or nonsense answer, you might want to seek advice from the popular and gorgeous “Goddess Sylvia.” Here is how that might transpire:

LARRY – Goddess Sylvia, you are so punchy, terse, hip and swell looking… I was kinda wondering … how much do you weigh and do think this amount is proportional to your height?

GODDESS SYLVIA – Hey Larry, KISS MY ASS you slimy little Jurassic piece of pond scum … WTF … You should not be up this late … and your mom told me you molest collies … furthermore …

Moving right along. If your seek a milder, I might say, more empathetic response, your might want to ask advice from the wise and compassionate Nan(ny) Goat. Lets take a peek at how that might go down:

Buffy – Aunt Nanny, hope I can call you that as I so totally feel we are connected in a cosmic fashion – How can “I” alone do anything to contribute to world harmony by myself. I mean me, myself, and I without benefit of “sister wives” or other good things I see on cable news. I am just like totally bummed by this. Can you help moi?

NAN(NY) GOAT – There, there sister Buffy. I am sure that almost all of us have been where you are at … done what you’re doing … seen who you are seeing  … felt … can I say, “ill at ease.” But sister, don’t forget that just by confronting your thoughts; you are so ahead of the vast herd who live unexamined lives. And if I may, let me point you to a little snippet of mine that was just published in LIBYA TODAY:

“I do in fact so hope that I don’t sound too idealistic, but peace has always been so important to me. The Goats (kids) of today are our world leaders of tomorrow. Helping them achieve cultural awareness and tolerance is THE stepping stone toward world harmony.”

And one last thing you could do … if you could do it RIGHT NOW … that would be great. Get a 25 dollar money order and send to N. Goat – General Delivery – Madison, Wisconsin – 14232

And there is yet another choice. The Old Goat is the titular head of the OGCFWH. It is the culmination of a dream he had back in 1955 when he was the Captain of the Safety Patrol at S. B. Ladd Elementary in Kansas City, Mo. He was good in the position, yet that was his last flirtation with management … until now.

Yes, now, even as CEO of OGCFWH, you can contact him personally for advice. You will not be filtered by some receptionist or call screener. Your questions will go right straight through to the Old Goat hissef (not a typo – the way some of the gophers at the center write and talk).

Only one caution – the Goddess and Nanny tend to be awake a little more during the day than the Old Goat. That is not to say he sleeps a great deal. I am confident he sleeps much less than your cat or dog. BUT, an URGENT question might better be addressed to one of the learned ladies.

Well, dear friends, I hope you can all see that this was just a bit of fun. Goddess Sylvia is in NO WAY that harsh and unkind. Nan(ny) goat is a woman of fine character and NOT  a silly new age con woman. And the Old Goat is likely wide awake Many more hours than your pets.

ALSO, you CAN feel free to use the “comment” function to seek advice, but no results can be promised. You might receive from 0 to 3 answers. Zero replies would indicate it might be a serious question and we would all feel unqualified to answer. One to three answers might be based on who is manning the office at the goat center.

But question or comment, be sure that we all value hearing from you.

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Let’s get Crackin’


I always have trouble with hard boiled eggs. I have read about all kinds of methods for proper peeling. One method is removing a bit of the peel from both ends of the egg. Then blowing into one end and cupping your hand at the other. The naked egg is supposed to whoosh right out. (If only childbirth were so easy!) I have tried this more than once. It hasn’t worked for me. But, at my age, my breath is not the North Wind. Another method is rolling the egg until it gets a lot of cracks in it. The outside can then be easily removed. I tried that, but it didn’t work for me either. Another way is putting about an inch of water into a pan with your hard boiled eggs. Putting the lid on and shaking those eggs every which way until their skins are thoroughly cracked. Well this worked for me even though it took a lot of arm muscle action. However, I have to wonder if this is cruel and unusual punishment for those poor eggs.

Seven-day meal planner. Who me?

You’ve seen those weekly meal planners on various recipe/food websites. You know—the seven-day planners for every single breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even a snack. Recipes included. Well, I am not going to go through that kind of frazzle. Spending too much time in the kitchen takes me away from the TV.  To avoid this, I make one meal and eat it for seven days.

For example, this week is tuna salad week. Why do you think I am messing around with hardboiled eggs? Anyhow, I can vary this dish: Sometimes, I eat it as a salad, sometimes it’s a sandwich.  I can microwave or chill it. As for the other two meals, those are generally big snacks. For example, frozen yogurt or ice cream topped with either fruit or chocolate syrup. (We need our daily dose of dark chocolate, you know).  Popcorn is another good grain and low-cal.  Peanuts and almonds — good and good for you!  I get my veggies straight from the can or eat them raw with dill dip which camouflages the harsh veggie taste. So follow my advice: Forget the kitchen; let’s get back to Dr.Oz and Dr. Phil.

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Goat Center … Politically Incorrect?

Goat Center … Politically Incorrect?


Certainly not

I doubt it so totally much.

Well, at the Goat Center we are nothing if not champions of free thought, so you, dear reader, will be the decider in this matter of political correctness.

What could bring up this PC issue anyway? That would be the video I am including in this post. I think that it is relevant to the Goat Center  on a number of levels.

One level is that the artists who produced this song are old – they are Old Goats. I think they are even older than the Old Goat of Goat Center and Nan(ny) Goat.

On another level, the world headquarters of The Old Goat Center for World Harmony is located in Florida and this song and associated video were made in THE FLA. Some of you will recognize iconic locations you have visited. And the subject matter of the song is close to the heart of Goat Center staffers. We have been enjoying glorious weather this last week, but we find ourselves looking over our collective shoulders. How long til the arrival of the dreaded “Humidity” associated with THE FLA?

Okay, but what does this have to do with Political Correctness? The connection is that these two men are Jewish and they kinda sorta make fun of things Jewish. At the Goat Center we applaud this and we think that being able to laugh at yourself contributes to world harmony. Conversely, being very “thin skinned” does not. Over the last decade or so we have gotten a bit nervous when things that refer to gender or ethnicity are brought up. We just offer our silly video to entertain. That is all. Hope it does.

If you like this brand of silliness, you can hear the same song again, but this time you can see video of the real 2 Live Jews performing their work.

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